Saturday, May 16, 2009

Regards to my Meltdown

This is an email to my cousin. Thought I would cheat and double do it as a blog as well. WARNING I hope you all can find it in your heart not to judge me. At least try not too. And any references made toward "people" in this, if your reading this, it ain't you.

It means so much that my family cares and loves us. This has taught me that when you hear someone is going thru something that at least telling them or asking what can I do? I feel very taken care of but you know there are those few people who I think, oh ok, no worries for you, its not your baby, its not your kid, go on your merry way. Skip to your lou darling. Why does that hurt me? It shouldn't. Who cares what other people are doing? The world is not going to stop. I suppose I am directing my anger at something or someone I can. Because I am not going to direct that to my Heavenly Father. I should not do that (point fingers) and I should not make this about me. This is between me and God. I feel Him here with me. That is why I got the thumbs up last night to go ahead and cry. My tears would not come before. Not in the hospital, not at the ER. At that point He surrounded me with His armour. I felt over and over again, now is not the time. Last night, it was time. I also believe there is a reason. There is a reason why certain people in my life have not entered this picture. Because they are not meant to. God wants that. If God wants them at my side or in it, then so they shall be. If you are reading this then you are one that is in it and with me. Sweet. I have peace with that.

I have this guilt, like I am trying to get attention or something. I feel hesitant to tell anyone or go on facebook and say something. Like I posted pictures on my facebook of Gary at the hospital. A little voice inside me said, "why don't you try and get attention, no one wants to see this." I posted them but strangley enough think I might take them down. But he is so cute in the pictures. Even when he is sick with a disease. LOL Can't help it. It is hard not to share his beauty. I suppose all mommies have the very same opinion. He just puts me in awe with how cute he is.

I have my wonderful family. I am scared to be left alone with Gary LOL. Which is weird. He keeps having flare ups and its hard for me to decipher what is really bad and what is normal for the disease. I need to have my wise council here even when I don't agree. If I had no regard for them (my wise council) we would have gone back to the ER last night. His tummy is or was hard and completely distended. He had naproxen tylenol then benedryl. Benedryl we couldn't live without. It yes, knocks him out, but he can't stand being in his body anyway. It is funny, yesterday he was great. Rash was good, pain was good and then 5pm BAMMM! It is so hard to try and figure things out.

Thank you for the prayers. We need them. I learned a couple months ago that when you have strife with someone and you don't reconcile, God doesn't here your prayers. I need everyone to pray because I am not sure He hears me right now. Love you


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  2. We dance for an audience of One! Thankfully He understands our feelings/emotions that rear their head during difficult times in our life. Your family and friends also completely understand and are here to pray, support, listen, and unconditionally love you! We feel your pain. We celebrate each "good day". We intercede in prayer for healing, comfort, and peace. You are definitely entitled to a meltdown and many tears. We were not designed to hold it all in, it's not healthy for us emotionally or physically. Just spit it out so it doesn't fester inside. Those who have not expressed concern might be overwhelmed with what your family and Gary are going through. Their shock may have them in a place where they just don't know what to say. They may be afraid of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. If they are afraid, they don't want you to be afraid so they wait until they can cope so they can be an encouragement to you. Give them some time to come around. Gary's picture below, isn't he just so huggable! :) Thanks for continuing to blog! We appreciate the updates!