Sunday, May 31, 2009


I felt so many emotions standing at Giraffe entrance tonight as we got ready to head home. I felt scared. Scared that I wasn't sure Gary was ready to come yet. I was noticing his skin on his legs was changing. He had a rash where he had not had one before. He looked worse walking out of that hospital then when we came in. In my mind it made no sense. So I cried. I cried as we stepped onto the elevator. My body saying go, lets get in our own bed. My mind saying, not sure, I thought they fix things here not make them worse. My soul, broken and confused. My heart just throbs with hurt. What if he needs to be observed at least tonight. What if he has a reaction on the way home. What if what if what if. What if I trust that everything will be ok.

The nurse told me I was welcomed to stay a few minutes just so they could keep an eye on him. He said the peds doctor looked him over. I thought to myself the tall gentleman in the white coat who looked nervous and not sure what he was looking at when looking Gary over? They just got done shooting a cancer drug in him, human antibodies from other people and TONS of steroids. And I am suppose to take him home? My nerves are shot and alls I know is I just love him so much. I love my children so much its hurts.

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